Apple Pie

where evere there is White folks there is gonna be apple pie. Or some version of it. The cheese eating surrender monkeys make it. I’ve seen it in the Balkans, I’ve seen it in the Baltics. They make it in Germany, they make it in Hungary, I know some Rangers outside Ft Lewis Washington make it…… fact is people love to get drunk and have been making likker at home sense folks have had homes. There are something like 90 fucking countries that grow enough apples that the diabolical apple cartel tracks their apple production….. Everywhere you go, folks love to grow and eat apples and it’s only natural that them folks would combine apples with their hooch.

It’s pretty damn easy too.

The hard part is the hooch. I like to make my own but that shit is illegal. Not for health concerns. The government hates it when you side step them sin taxes so it’s illegal and we know from the 1860’s the yankee government will commit mass murder to keep the tax money rolling in.

Can’t make your own? Don’t fret none. You’ve got options. Option #1 is everclear. Some states ban the 190 proof version, but the 151 proof will work just fine…. calm your titts. Ain’t nothing wrong with making your apple pie out of 151 proof likker. My corn squeeezings come out around 100-120 proof, my apple pie should be around 50-60 proof. Apple pie is for Sunday mornings, old women and young kids, family reunions and what not. It ain’t there to put hair on your chest…… My beloved North Carolina gets more pussy’fied by the day…. so you have to fib to get the 190 proof. Got to pay for it in advance and say you’re using it for an industrial cleaner. You can get the 151 proof without all the hassle. Either way, run it through some coffee filters to cut down that everclear after taste. I would probably use the cheapest 100 proof vodka I could find, and also run it through some coffee filters.

Let’s do some math….. a gallon is 128 ounces….. if you have a gallon of 100 proof corn likker and you add 128 ounces of water…… how strong is that two gallons? 50 proof…… that’s easy to drink right there. Cutting 151 proof down to 75 proof would be pretty easy drinking as well but I really dislike that everclear taste. Lots of folks are good with it though. Same goes for the 190 proof

64 ounces of apple juice, 64 ounces of apple cider, into a stock pot….. and….. now shit gets tricky. And it only gets tricky becuase people like what they like. The Girls like it sweet so I generally use regular apple juice and 3 cups of brown sugar, plus 2-3 spoons of molasses. I like Apple juice with no added sugar, and half that brown sugar. I never go short on molasses. It just don’t happen.

At this point you got to ask yourself a question… self….. what do I like in my apple pie? Cinnamon? Throw in a heaping teaspoon or two. Or one teaspoon and 4 sticks…. or no teaspoon and 8 sticks? I’m a one teaspoon sort of man. Nutmeg? Hell yeah! but not to much….. 1/2 teaspoon for me. Vanilla? 2 beans split, 2 teaspoons of real extract. Or some combination like that.

Boil that shit fir round about 10 mins, stir it around on occasions. Then let it cool down to room temperature…… and by that I mean 10-20 mins because who the fuck has that kind of time?

1 cinnamon stick per mason jar, pour the apple pie into the jars, seal them up and let sit for awhile. 8 weeks or longer if you can

When I want full strength shine, I’ll set it up with fruit in the jar. My favorite is peach and pineapple. I think Cherokee peaches work best. All the other stuffx seems to need sugar added to the jar, which I don’t care for. Any rate, let it rest, a year or two if you can. That shit will crep on ja like a gator

××××× edited to add this…..by stuff I mean fruit. Folks really dig it when you put strawberries and what not in your mountain dew. All that does for me is turn my corn squeeezings funny colors. It does help take some of the raw likker burn out of it but hers the two things….. your likker shouldn’t really burn. That’s probably more about their mash and double cooking their shine to make it 140 proof or better. Alcohol will always burn a little becuase the booze molecules are basically hooks, those hooks drag on the way down and cause the pain. Aged whisky burns less because them hooks go into the wood, and wood flavors and what not go into the whisky….. also them hooks is why I told you to run that everclear through coffee filters. Any rate, fruit in the jar gives them hooks some place to go, the, hooks break up the fruit, which adds flavor and color to your likker. Moon shine will bleac them strawberries and what not in under an hour, which isn’t much aging or flavor at all. Takes a goodly while longer for the shine to eat up pineapples and peaches so they work better as an aging element, and by that I mean, remove more hooks and adds more flavor.

In the Old South, it’s traditional to give folks pineapples as house warming, thanks for having me over etc gifts. I like to Ton’er’ize that by giving folks pineapples moonshine. It’s surprisingly good stuff. Everyone seems to love it despite it sounding like a really odd combination